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Beanie Babies AnonymousBeanie Babies Anonymous
from: Tim KnoxA wise man once said, "If you ignore something long enough,
eventually it will go away." Actually, he said it several times, but
nobody listened so he left.
That old saw is one reason I've never
done a column on Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just resist
the urge to poke fun and ignore their existence long enough, they would
eventually go the way of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos. Of
course, ignoring them didn't work and I should have known better. I've
been ignoring my kids for years and they're still around, standing
right outside the bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me what I'm
reading in there. My oldest caught me looking at the newspaper on the
front porch the other day and asked if I shouldn't be doing that in
private. I think it's time to talk boarding school. Russian boarding
school. But first, comrade, back to the subject at hand.
I think
Beanie Babies are cute, cuddly little creatures, and I will admit to
having spent a few of my hard- earned dollars on Beanies for my baby
girl to play with (I can hear many of you screaming, "They're not meant
to be played with!"). But never have I sat outside a McDonald's at two
in the morning waiting for it to open so I could get an Egg McMuffin
and a Teenie Beanie to go. And I apologize in advance if I insult
anyone, but I think people who go to such great lengths to buy a
child's toy need help. And that's what this column is all about.
You
see, my sister, a normally sane, rational human being, is awash in the
Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny synthetic pellets racing through her
veins and they are starting to affect every facet of her life. She is
the reason I am willing to break my vow of ignorance and speak out
against these demons in plush clothing. The thought of her sitting
outside a Hallmark store at three in the morning staring blindly at a
dog- eared copy of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chills down my
spine. The woman needs help, my friends, and I am willing to take on
the task at hand.
So, to help my dear sister and the millions of
others who have fallen under the spell of Beanie Baby mania, I am
officially founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, an organization dedicated
to helping you just say no to Beanie Babies. BBA will follow a simple
4-step program designed to help even the most severely- addicted junkie
kick his/her Beanie Baby habit.
Here are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them to the letter and soon your life will be yours to live again:
- Step 1)
Admit you have a problem: The first step in any recovery program is
admitting that you have a problem. Here are the three warning signs of
Beanie Baby Addiction. If you can relate to at least one of them, you
are a Beanie Baby Junkie.
- (1)
You would willingly camp out all night outside a McDonald's in the
highest crime district in town just to be the first in line on Teenie
Beanie day.
- (2) You have no qualms about snatching Beanie
Babies from the hands of little children and if it makes them cry, well
tough patootie! And
- (3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is
there a dead cat Beanie?) anywhere in your house without hitting a
display of Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A big problem.
- Step 2)
Admit that your addiction is harmful to others: You've probably been
too busy feeding that Beanie Baby monkey on your back to notice that
the rest of your life has gone to pot. Your addiction not only affects
you, but those closest to you. Have your children moved in with
relatives because you forgot to fix dinner eighteen nights in a row
because you were busy dusting the tags in your Beanies' ears? Did you
angrily take the family dog to the pound and order them to "Gas the
SOB!" just because he growled at your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you
been served with divorce papers that contain the phrase "refuses to
consummate marriage because it would disturb Happy the Hippo's nap?" If
so, you owe everyone you know a big apology, especially your dog, God
rest his soul.
- Step 3)
Cast the snake from the
garden: This is perhaps the most difficult, yet most important mile
marker on the road to recovery. This is where you rid your life of the
furry, little monsters that have almost driven you to the point of no
return. Follow my directions to the letter and do it quickly, without
thinking, because if you stop to think about what you're doing, your
addiction will take the upper hand and you will be lost again. With
that in mind, here is the biggest step you must take: Box up every
Beanie Baby you own, especially Peanut the Elephant and Brownie the
Bear, and send them to me, Tim Knox, Director of Beanie Babies
Anonymous, in care of this website. Send me your kids' Beanie Babies,
too! I will take these vile creatures and dispose of them for you free
of charge so that they will never infect the lives of normal people
again. Don't forget, box them up and send them to me as soon as
possible. I guarantee that both our lives will be enriched.
- Step 4)
Spread the gospel to
others: This is the final step in overcoming Beanie Baby Addiction. You
must go out into the world and tell everyone you meet the story of your
addiction. Give witness to the masses. Show them the light. Have them
send their Beanie Babies to me. You are getting sleepy... Remember, if
you can change the life of just one person and they in turn pass the
message along to someone else, soon the world will be a sane place once
again.
A "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been taken out
of circulation, can go for a thousand times its original cost. A
complete collection of Beanie Babies (600 in all) is valued at
$100,000. Here are the top ten most valuable.
As further proof of
the need for an organization like Beanie Babies Anonymous,read the
following transcripts and media accounts of how Beanie Baby Mania is
affecting our world.
From the Disassociated Press:
OAK
BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's Corp. rose to a 52-week high
Wednesday in response to the news that the fastfood giant will stop
selling food effective immediately and will instead become the nations
top retailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock jumped over three
dollars per share after the announcement. A company spokesman said,
"Nobody wants our food anymore, but everybody wants Beanie Babies. The
change just makes sense."
Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News:
"Addressing a large crowd in Lahore, Pakistan on Saturday, Pakistani
Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif defended his country's decision to detonate
six nuclear devices last week and said that Pakistan will continue
nuclear testing until India signs the "No Nuke" test treaty and the Ty
Corporation gives every man, woman and child in Pakistan a Nana the
Monkey Beanie Baby. More now from Christiana Amonpour in Lahore..."
Bernard Shaw, CNN Headline News:
"This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has announced that he
is issuing subpoenas to executives of the Ty Corporation, the company
that markets Beanie Babies. Starr claims his investigations have
revealed that President Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky a 'Grunt the
Razorback Pig' Beanie Baby as a gift after a sexual encounter in the
White House."
Mike Wallace, 60 Minutes:
"The Ty Corporation, the company that sells Beanie Babies, is so
secretive that not even the US government knows who is in charge. The
company continually refused our requests for interviews and, in an
anonymously-signed statement, said that, quote, '...if you do not
immediately cease with your investigation into our operation we will
have no choice but to send out a very large blue bear to bite your head
off.' Unquote."
Dan Rather, CBS Evening News:
"Good evening. The bottom fell out of the Beanie Baby market today when
it was revealed that the man in charge of the Ty Corporation, the
mysterious company behind the popular line of plush toys, is none other
than Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself. Competing manufacturers of teddy
bears and other plush toys have come out accusing Gates of trying to
monopolize the plush toy industry, prompting the Justice Department to
order an immediate investigation."
Alright, I made those up. But the following accounts are real, as reported by the Associated Press:
- Forty
guns were handed over to police in Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for
Teenie Beanie Babies, miniature versions of Beanie Babies given out by
McDonald's as a Happy Meals premium. The no-questions-asked swap
brought in 23 pistols and 17 shotguns in one day.
- In
an attempt to thwart the smuggling in of Beanie Babies available only
in Canada, the U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a one-Beanie
rule. "A consumer is allowed to have one Beanie Baby for personal use
every 30 days,'' says Customs officer Ralph Hackney. Any more are
subject to seizure.
- Customs agents seized an
incoming shipment at O'Hare International Airport last December. Their
catch: 456 imitations of Beanie Babies. Most were fake versions of
"Grunt," the toy red razorback pig that is considered a collector's
items and sells for as much as $130 each.
- The
Minnesota Better Business Bureau runs a Beanie Baby hotline to warn
consumers of suspected counterfeits. Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers
handed out 5,000 Beanies to children 12 and under during a game this
year against the Golden State Warriors. It was only the second sellout
game of the 76ers season. The other was against the Michael Jordan and
the Bulls.
- A
crowd of thousands lined up outside a store in San Mateo, Calif., for
the chance to buy new and retired Beanie Babies at below-market prices.
The store gave out tickets, then called out random numbers. Those
selected got to go in and buy the toys for $5.99 each.
- Burglars
broke into a suburban Chicago home in mid-April. They left the TV,
stereo and most other valuables, but made off with a gold ring and a
number of Beanie Babies, all valued at $4,000.
- In
Orange County, California, owners of a collectibles shop were treated
and released for head injuries in early April after being clubbed with
an iron barbell by thieves who made off with $6,000 worth of rare
Beanie Babies.
- The final divorce decree for Randy
and Jan Staffan of Minneapolis stated that he got the house, much of
its furnishings, and a few vehicles. She got to keep her salon business
and half the couple's Beanie Babies.
Shocking, isn't it? Friends, let's stop this madness before it's too late.
Send those Beanie Babies to me today!
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